School is almost over!

Only a few days left of school. Thank God because I think I'm going to go crazy if I don't get a break soon. I love the job and I love the kids, but I am definately looking forward to summer time. Its always been my favorite time of year...I look forward to the exercise I will get and the things I will be able to do outside. I love being able to sleep in and staying up late reading a good book that I don't have to read except for pure enjoyment. Yeah...summer is the best! I guess that is why i became a teacher!
So tomorrow I am having a bunch of people over, and do you think I have done anything to prepare for that yet? Nope! Procrastination central is what I'm all about! Only bad thing is when you are a procrastinator you get real stressed out right before its time for the thing that you have been putting off. And tomorrow will be no exception for me. Having to rush to clean up and buy food and get things ready before 6 is probably going to be hectic. But so worth it too. I haven't had people over in a long time and I'm really looking forward to it. It will remind me of the days back in San Antonio when I actually had a good amount of friends that I would get together with.
Speaking of....
So when I went back to SA a few weeks ago I went into the house to check on it.
So weird....
Huge flood of emotions hit me as soon as I walked through that door. It was like every memory that I had of my former life was held inside those walls. Like the whole house was holding it in, keeping it safe for me to return to. When you lose something in your life and its gone...you have no tangible evidence anymore that it existed. After walking away from San Antonio there wasn't much left to remind me of life there. I almost prefered it that way. Being in Killeen is like a start over. But as soon as I turned the knob on the front door of that house and pushed the door open it was like a wave of memory hit me, as though I was experiencing a near death experience where my whole life was flashing before my eyes. I instantly flashed back to the very first time I turned that doorknob and stepped in that house. The excitement I felt of finding the perfect house for my family. Dreaming about what it would be like for the house to belong to me and Jake and Natalie. Wondering how long we would be able to stay and live in that place....Would I have more babies here? Would I start working here?
I can remember the exact spot I stood with Jake when we had just signed the papers and the house was officially ours. I remember the long embrace that was filled with joy and hope. This was going to be our place, this was going to be our chance to be happy and start a real life together. A "grown up" life with our first real place.
My eyes turned from that spot where he and I had stood to the fireplace. I sat down next to it remembering the heat that had eminated from that spot so many times in the past. The smell of the burning wood. The sounds and people that had surrounded it. The first time we lit that fire we didn't open the flu all the way and I could still picture and smell that smoke rising up into the center of the living room. Panic and shock on our faces as we called Jake's dad to find out what we did wrong. And the times after that when it was just Jake and I in those late night intimate moments that are shared in a marriage. When you have the fire crackling and are in each other's arms in the glow of the fire... sharing your deepest feelings and secrets. And the times when that fire was surrounded by Christmas decorations...the joy and promise of a blessed holiday season. The stockings hung on the mantle, the smell of the pine needles nearby.
I started to cry. I looked over at the dining room area, now sitting so empty, remembering the times when the room was filled with people and laughter. I pictured where the table would have been and remembered all the people around it. The times we had Jake's family over. I remembered the phase 10 games and dominoes... drinking and laughing...
And then there were all the girl night get togethers that I hosted. The pizza, snacks, and dessert layed out everywhere on the kitchen counters. The table surrounded by my closest and most loved friends. Playing games into the night, talking of God, praying together, and laughing... oh the laughter that used to fill that room! All of it was too much for me to take in at once. My heart was bursting with emotion as I imagined those walls soaking up all those memories. Keeping them hidden and safe knowing that once they had enclosed a group of people that loved each other. Now its standing empty...abandoned...lonely. It felt so sad being in there. Knowing that it had been standing empty for the past 6 months...that people have driven past it everyday without a glance in its direction. Its as though this place had never been loved or been filled with love. The walls looked dirtier than I remembered, the carpet had stains, and the house felt so small. Its funny how much different things look when you see them everyday.
I took a tour of the house. Stopped in each room and let the memories flood through me. I looked at the marks on the carpet that showed where all our furniture had been. It seemed like those marks were like scars. Kind of like the scars on my heart. Scars of things that were and are no more. Promises broken...Lives changed. I sat in the house alone for a long time. I looked again at that spot where Jake and I stood the day the house became ours. I remembered that it was in that same exact spot that we stood the day he said goodbye. The day he took all his things, hugged me tight, embraced Natalie, and walked out the door. I remember looking out my kitchen window at him sitting in his truck after that goodbye. Looking at our house and bawling his eyes out. And then he was gone.
I sat there and i prayed. I talked out loud to God about all my feelings that have been buried in my heart. Let my emotions pour out. I talked about Jake, the house, and then about Michael. How he had come into my life and brought so much happiness. I looked at the crack in the wall that he had patched for me and noticed that the crack was beginning to reappear again. Just like the band-aid Michael put over my heart...my wounds were exposed again when he left my life.
And I became very aware in this moment that I am alone. I am alone in this life, in my quest for happiness and family. The house stands alone, but so do I.
And then I became aware that this house doesn't need patching up. It just needs to be filled again. Filled with laughter, love, warmth, lovely smells of firewood, christmas trees, and homemade cookies... And that is what I need to. I don't need fixing. I just need to be filled up again. Filled with the Holy Sprit which will in turn fill me with love, hope, joy, peace....The kind that surpasses all understanding. The kind that swells a heart and makes it feel again. The walls of that house hold those memories and the walls of my heart do the same. My past will always be with me...but I will fill my life again and make new memories.
Tomorrow is a start. I am going to be filling this house with food, people, music, and laughter. I'm excited about tomorrow...both metaphorically and literally.
Life is heartbreaking and exciting. The good and the bad make life worth living...