Letting go

So I think there is a lot that can be said right now about letting go in life...

I am on my last day of visiting with my family in Arkansas. I am about to go back to Killeen and give my daughter over to her father for the summer. I have been thinking a lot about the past while I've been in Arkansas. I keep thinking about what it was like when Natalie was small, what it was like last year...

It all started when I had the idea that we should get out the old family home videos so that Natalie could see what her mommy and aunt were like when we were her age. Well, of course, Natalie would rather watch the videos of her when she was a baby. We put them on and in started a flashback to the past. Natalie's first visit with her family in the United States, her first birthday party, crawling, walking, eating, making baby noises... etc. All of it brought back so many memories that may have been forgotten forever if not for the magic of the home video camera. At first I was happy to see a video of me five years ago looking young, happy, and being a good mother, but then I started to feel depressed. I am sad that my life did not turn out in the traditional way. I'm sad that Natalie no longer has her dad and mom together. I wish that she could still have birthday parties with both sides of the family present. I wish that she was able to have siblings and have childhood memories that are similar to mine and my sister's. But she won't. She doesn't have her dad anymore and even if we were together my parents live in Arkansas now. She will never have both sides of the family in one place for her.

Things are so different from the way I always thought they would be. From the way I thought they would turn out when I was in those videos, holding my baby with that wedding ring on my finger. Its so hard for me to let go sometimes, to let go of the hopes and dreams I had for myself and my daughter. But I know I have to. I have no choice. My parents don't live in the house I grew up in anymore. They are hours away from the rest of the family. Natalie's dad does not live with us. Natalie only gets to see her dad twice a year. And in two days she will be going with him for the whole summer. In order to give my daughter an opportunity to be with her father I have to give up my time of being her mother. I hate that. I hate that I have to give my daughter up for such a long time. And yet, I know I'm blessed that I am not in Jake's position. I could not imagine only seeing Natalie twice a year. What a nightmare divorce is! I hate it so much!

I wish I had been smarter about everything. I wish I could change everything. But I can't. Its all part of the lessen of learning to let go. I can't control everything. Life happens and I have to learn to roll with it. I have to be ok with the fact that life did not happen for Natalie and me the way I had imagined when she was in the womb.

In a few days I will face Jake again and give Natalie over to him. I will go home with a smile forced upon my face because what other choice do I have? Crying will do nothing. Letting Natalie go is best for everyone and letting go of my old dreams is necessary in order to make new ones. I will never be married to Natalie's dad again, I will never be married to Michael and live in New Mexico. I dream now that one day I will be married to a man that loves me for all that I am and all that I'm not. That he will love me the way God intended and that despite all the hardships of life that he will never leave. I am dreaming of having more children that will know the love of a mom and dad that live in one house. This is all just a dream. Perhaps it will come true, perhaps it wont. But I have to let go and dream anew. Dreaming gives life to hope....