I can't believe its been so long since I've taken the time to blog. I was just at a baby shower talking to a friend and realized there is so much I have missed blogging about. So here it goes:
Natalie was at her dad's house this summer. While she was there she lost her first tooth. It deeply affected me. I can't believe I missed that important milestone in her life. I guess to most everyone it seems silly to care so much about a little tooth, but it holds so much meaning to me. Natalie called me right away when the tooth came out and told me about it. i didnt know until I got a picture of her later that she lost the front bottom tooth on the left side. As I gazed at the picture that Jake sent to my cell phone my mind instantly went back to the first time I gazed at that tooth.....----- Jake and I were living in England. I was not working but was enjoying my time as a stay at home mother. I was a bit isolated in my new occupation. Before I had Natalie I had worked many odd jobs on base and had spent hours sightseeing with new friends. Once Natalie was born I was fearful of trying to go out anywhere with her. Jake and I only had one car. He took it to work everyday and so I was forced to use public transportation when necessary. The strange thing is that once I had Natalie I no longer had the desire to venture out of the house. I was a first time mom and I was without any family support. I was thousands of miles and an ocean away from everyone. Natalie and I therefore spent our days in the house. I remember the sound of the rain hitting the windows almost everyday. It was always so dreary there! I remember waiting until it was morning nap time to put Natalie in the bouncer seat and put her in the bathroom with me while I took a shower. I remember how the mailman used to come everyday around lunch time. i would here the mail drop through our slot and into the entryway of our house. I remember watching Dick Van Dyke reruns every morning and House Doctor every afternoon. I remember holding Natalie all day long. I never wanted to put her down. I never fed her with a bottle. I never had to. She and I were always together. I used to have a mirror for her to look at and a gym for her to lay under. I loved watching her eyes as they took everything in. We would spend hours just enjoying being in the same room with each other. And then daddy would come home. Jake and I would make dinner and then take turns holding Natalie while the other one ate. When Natalie was five months old she was sitting up with her boppy pillow and was smiling at me. I thought I saw something white in her mouth and went over to her to have a closer look. Sure enough, there it was! A tooth! I called my mom immediately to ask her if she knew when I got my first tooth. I thought 5 months seemed early for a first tooth. It was the front bottom tooth on the left side. ....----Fast forward a little over five years and there is a picture of my little girl minus that special tooth. I felt so much loss in that moment. How could she lose that tooth when I wasn't there to say goodbye to it? How unfair is it that Jake got to be there when the tooth came out when he wasn't even there when the tooth came in!?! Then I realized that perhaps I wasn't sad about the tooth. I was sad about the change, the loss.
Its not that I didn't get to say goodbye to that tooth, its that I am seeing Natalie's childhood go by right before my eyes. Before my eyes and out of my reach. I am nastalgic about that tooth because it represents my first baby that is no longer here. It represents the loss of my relaxing one on one time with my little girl. It represents the change that happened in our family. The fact that Natalie's father and I are divorced, and that I am a working mom. It represents the saddness I feel over the possibility that I may never have another child.
Now there is a hole in Natalie's mouth where her baby tooth used to be. Everyday its a reminder that she is growing up, that our lives together are always changing and evolving. I helped Natalie with her homework for the first time yesterday. She had to make an 'About Me' poster to present to her kindergarten class. She wanted to use baby pictures of herself. As she was gluing them on I was thinking that when I had those photos printed I never would have guessed that one day they would hang on her kindergarten wall. Where does the time go?
No comments:
Post a Comment