Good Bye Grandma

 Lorraine Violet Mathews  2/22/32- 1/16/18


I remember all the times we spent together. 
You were there for me that time I got a fever and had to lay on your couch with the cold white sheets.  I loved how they always smelled like bleach. 
I remember that you pierced my ears.  You were so excited to give me the best earrings and I was so scared of the needle!  You were always so gentle though. 
I don't remember my parents hugging me the way that you did.  They never rubbed my back or my feet or played with my hair.  I loved that about you. 
The way that you knew how to compliment people to make them feel so good about themselves.  It was a gift you had. 
You were so funny too.
 I remember all the times we sat in your kitchen and played board games and laughed and laughed.  You taught me how to swim in your pool. 
You showed me how to do a cartwheel.  I could never master it in my six year old body the way that you did in your 55 year old one. 
I remember sneaking into your backyard to surprise you when we came to visit one year.  We jumped in the pool and made noise to get you out of the house.  I wonder today if you were really surprised.  Did you know we were coming?
 I remember your laugh. 
That sparkle in your eye. 
The way you had all your perfumes laid out so carefully on that mirror tray in your room.  You let me pick one to put on.  You had that jade Buddha that you were so proud of.  I remember how you taught me to rub his belly for luck.  You aren't even a Buddhist.  But you loved everyone.  I don't think you had a prejudiced bone in your body. 

You always bought the best gifts.  Remember how you would spend so much money just to be sure that what you bought was quality?  I have so many silver rings and necklaces because of you.  I kept them all.  I remember how you got Natalie that expensive doll for Christmas because you insisted she get one that was soft and looked like a real baby.  Not the kind of dolls you find in Walmart.  This year I got Gwen a nice doll.  I told her about you and how if you were here now you would have bought it for her.  I try to keep you with me always. 
I am so thankful for all the moments we had at the beach looking for shells and around Disney world when we would hold hands and skip in the rain.  I remember that if I got sick on a ride, as I usually did, you would be there to give me a cold compress and stroke my cheek.  You always had mints in your purse too that would help.  You taught me how to count slowly while I breathe to help me feel better.  Breathe in through your nose 1, 2, 3, 4 and out through your mouth 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.... I still use that strategy today when I feel motion sick.  It really does help.
On my counter at home I have your cookie jar.  You told me that you got it before you and grandpa had kids.  You loved it because it has a wooden lid and it is quiet when you put it back on the jar.  You would imagine your children sneaking cookies in the kitchen with the quiet lid before they were even born. 
You forgot the jar.  It was left in your home the day they took you to the hospital.  You never came back.  Most of the items that you loved were taken by your family.  The rest were sold.  I don't know what happened to the perfumes or the Buddha.  Its interesting isn't it that the things you loved so much you forgot? 
I hate Alzheimer's.
I hate that it took you from us before you left the Earth. I feel cheated out of so many years with you and I'm mad that you were cheated out of so many years with us.
You went to heaven tonight.  We knew you were leaving us.  I prayed so hard that the angels would come and surround your bed and convince you to follow them to your home in heaven.  I prayed you would come face to face with Jesus and you would remember everything again.  I prayed you would remember yourself and your family.  I prayed you would see your mom and dad and brothers again.  I prayed you would embrace your son. 
I won't be at your funeral.  I can't make it in from Texas.  I know everyone else will be there.  Except grandpa.  He won't make it either.  He is losing his memories too. 
You know the crazy thing about life is we never know that something is ending until we look back and realize its over.  I can't remember when our time together in Florida was over.  One day I just looked back and realized that we would never have that place on White Pine Circle anymore.  I didn't know I was seeing you and grandpa for the last time at your house when I came to visit a few years ago. 
One chapter of life moves on to the next so smoothly that we often don't even notice we started the next chapter.  I pray that is how the end of life is. 
I'm glad that I heard you say more than once that you had a good life.  In fact the sound of your voice saying that echoes in my head.  "I've had a goooood life!" I'm so, so glad you did.  And I'm so glad I got to be a small part of it.  I love you grandma.  You will always be a part of me.  I will hold on to that cookie jar.  I will continue to tell stories about you to my kids.  And one day I will make it to the last chapter and I will see you there.  Right now I am imagining that we are just saying farewell until next time like we used to on our Florida trips.  You would kiss us goodbye and make sure we were safely buckled in the backseat and then wave and say "bye bye!  I love you!!" and we would watch you wave until we drove around the corner and out of sight.  Bye Bye Grandma.  I love you.  Bye Bye.