Birthday Hat

Today I took Natalie to gymnastics after school. She loves it! I'm so glad I found something for her to do that she is so passionate about. It makes me happy because it makes her happy.
After gymnastics we went to HEB to pick out a birthday cake for her party on Saturday. My baby girl is turning 6 on Thursday. I just can't believe it. It seems like yesterday that I was changing her diapers and rocking her to sleep. I miss those days....

At the grocery store we went through the whole book of cake designs before Natalie picked out a Barbie cake. She wanted the chocolate icing and she had to be sure that she would actually be able to keep the barbies that came on top. Once we had decided on the Barbie theme we went to the party store to get decorations and other supplies. She was so excited as she picked out the balloons, the napkins, the plates, the treat bags for her friends, the horns, etc. And then she noticed something.... "Mommy, where are the birthday hats?" she asked.
"Well Natalie it looks like they are all out of Barbie hats." I said. Just then my phone rang so I directed my attention to the phone. The next thing I know Natalie is on the floor with 4 packages of the next best thing to birthday hats, paper crowns! "Mom, I counted them. There are 16 here."
"No Natalie. These will break too easily and 16 isn't enough." I said.
"Well what are we going to do about the hats?" she asked again.
Geez Natalie! Who cares about the stupid paper hats! Can't we have a party without them? I'm thinking to myself. Ok, Keri. She's 6. Think of a solution.
"Well why don't we just get these butterfly birthday hats? They are still pink and purple so the colors match." I said.
"Ok Mom. That would be good." And with that she went skipping down the aisle towards the register, a big smile plastered on her face.
I got to the register, I made my purchases, I ordered balloons, and then we left.

On the drive home I started to think about the $76 dollars that I spent on plates, napkins, balloons, decorations, and those crazy hats. Its a lot of money for a bunch of paper products that will be tossed away within 20 minutes of unwrapping them. But then...how much longer do I have to do these simple things for my first born baby girl?

A paper hat. Nothing more than thin cardboard, cut and rolled into a cone. A stretchy string stapled to both ends. Couldn't cost more than a penny each to mass produce. And yet this item was so vitally important to her. I couldn't imagine putting that silly hat on my head for my birthday as an adult, and Natalie couldn't imagine her birthday without the silly hat.

Kids.

Simple,
Innocent.
Loveable.
Beautiful.

How much longer before the hat becomes silly to her? How many more birthdays will we have to have a hat? Oh my heart aches just thinking about the passing years. No one could ever be able to explain to a new mother how quickly the time goes...how precious it is. You just don't understand until you've lived it. I just want to hold on to these years forever. Paper hats, Barbie cakes, Barbie plates, etc. $76. Its worth it to me, because its only for a time.

playing with dolls

So I'm home with Natalie today because she has been diagnosed with Influenza A. Oh fun. Anyway, I thought I would take this time i have on my hands to blog a bit.

Yesterday Natalie and I were playing with dolls. When I was little my sister and I would always play dolls the traditional way. Of course there would be teenagers with boyfriends, etc, but there was always a mom, a dad, and the children. I noticed that Natalie does not play that way. I'm starting to realize how psychologists and counselors can use play therapy for kids. Natalie mirrors the world as she knows it through her dolls.

The dolls world went something like this....
Eric (the doll from the little mermaid) was married to Cinderella. They had three kids. One was tinkerbell, another some blonde doll, and a Dora doll. So Eric and Cinderella wanted to go out on a date. They talked about how they needed a babysitter. Eric said, "well we need someone to watch your kids and someone to watch my daughter that I got from Ariel when I was married to her." (Natalie is playing Eric) So then Eric calls Ariel and asks her if she can come and watch the kids so she does. Ariel then wants to kiss Eric when he comes home from his date but Eric says that he is with Cinderella now and he can't.
Wow! I couldn't believe that Natalie acted out this scenerio instead of just playing a mom, dad, and kids. I don't think in my world as a little girl I would have conceived of this possibility for my play.

Then this morning Natalie was teasing me about me not being a grown up. I said to her, "How am I living by myself then with my little girl if I'm a kid?"
Natalie said, "Well its because you don't have a boyfriend."
Oh boy, life in Natalie's world is so confusing! How can I explain to her the way God intended family to be? How do I explain why her world isn't like that? Geez! I just pray that she will end up having a healthy view of relationships when she is older. I hope her experiences now won't scar her for life! Maybe I just worry too much....

The Loss of a Baby Tooth/ Kindergarten

I can't believe its been so long since I've taken the time to blog. I was just at a baby shower talking to a friend and realized there is so much I have missed blogging about. So here it goes:

Natalie was at her dad's house this summer. While she was there she lost her first tooth. It deeply affected me. I can't believe I missed that important milestone in her life. I guess to most everyone it seems silly to care so much about a little tooth, but it holds so much meaning to me. Natalie called me right away when the tooth came out and told me about it. i didnt know until I got a picture of her later that she lost the front bottom tooth on the left side. As I gazed at the picture that Jake sent to my cell phone my mind instantly went back to the first time I gazed at that tooth.....----- Jake and I were living in England. I was not working but was enjoying my time as a stay at home mother. I was a bit isolated in my new occupation. Before I had Natalie I had worked many odd jobs on base and had spent hours sightseeing with new friends. Once Natalie was born I was fearful of trying to go out anywhere with her. Jake and I only had one car. He took it to work everyday and so I was forced to use public transportation when necessary. The strange thing is that once I had Natalie I no longer had the desire to venture out of the house. I was a first time mom and I was without any family support. I was thousands of miles and an ocean away from everyone. Natalie and I therefore spent our days in the house. I remember the sound of the rain hitting the windows almost everyday. It was always so dreary there! I remember waiting until it was morning nap time to put Natalie in the bouncer seat and put her in the bathroom with me while I took a shower. I remember how the mailman used to come everyday around lunch time. i would here the mail drop through our slot and into the entryway of our house. I remember watching Dick Van Dyke reruns every morning and House Doctor every afternoon. I remember holding Natalie all day long. I never wanted to put her down. I never fed her with a bottle. I never had to. She and I were always together. I used to have a mirror for her to look at and a gym for her to lay under. I loved watching her eyes as they took everything in. We would spend hours just enjoying being in the same room with each other. And then daddy would come home. Jake and I would make dinner and then take turns holding Natalie while the other one ate. When Natalie was five months old she was sitting up with her boppy pillow and was smiling at me. I thought I saw something white in her mouth and went over to her to have a closer look. Sure enough, there it was! A tooth! I called my mom immediately to ask her if she knew when I got my first tooth. I thought 5 months seemed early for a first tooth. It was the front bottom tooth on the left side. ....----Fast forward a little over five years and there is a picture of my little girl minus that special tooth. I felt so much loss in that moment. How could she lose that tooth when I wasn't there to say goodbye to it? How unfair is it that Jake got to be there when the tooth came out when he wasn't even there when the tooth came in!?! Then I realized that perhaps I wasn't sad about the tooth. I was sad about the change, the loss.
Its not that I didn't get to say goodbye to that tooth, its that I am seeing Natalie's childhood go by right before my eyes. Before my eyes and out of my reach. I am nastalgic about that tooth because it represents my first baby that is no longer here. It represents the loss of my relaxing one on one time with my little girl. It represents the change that happened in our family. The fact that Natalie's father and I are divorced, and that I am a working mom. It represents the saddness I feel over the possibility that I may never have another child.
Now there is a hole in Natalie's mouth where her baby tooth used to be. Everyday its a reminder that she is growing up, that our lives together are always changing and evolving. I helped Natalie with her homework for the first time yesterday. She had to make an 'About Me' poster to present to her kindergarten class. She wanted to use baby pictures of herself. As she was gluing them on I was thinking that when I had those photos printed I never would have guessed that one day they would hang on her kindergarten wall. Where does the time go?

Wedding/Engagement Questions Addressed

Hello everyone!

To all our friends, family and loved ones we just wanted to say thanks so much for all the support, congratulations and encouragement. We are very excited to introduce you to ‘us.’ Hopefully very soon you’ll get the chance not just to meet Keri and Erik the couple, but also get a chance to know us on a more personal and real level.

We thought we would address some of the pressing issues this way, because frankly there are so many people with so many questions that it’s easier to address our most frequent and common questions here. Thank God for Facebook/Myspace! HAHA! As we have experienced in the last few weeks the information and conversation surrounding our relationship has gone from a snowflake, to a snowball, to a full on avalanche! We even found ourselves caught up in all the excitement and being overtaken by the tidal wave of it all. So this is our attempt to answer some questions and address some issues before they become gossip.

First, you’ve wanted to know when you’ll get a chance to meet Erik or Keri. Soon! The easiest way for our church friends is at church. While most every Sunday Erik has responsibilities in the youth services, we do everything we can to sit through the first service under Pastor Terry. Between services is a great chance to make introductions. If you aren’t one of our friends from church, just add each of us to your facebook/myspace and follow. We know that’s not in person but go ahead and allow this to be an initial ‘greeting’ for our out of town friends and family.

Second, you want to know when the all important ‘dates’ are. We’ve been bouncing those around and even bouncing some off you guys. Some of the dates went from being ideas to solid plans before we could get a grasp on all the details that needed to be worked out. The truth is that right now nothing is set in stone as we have a lot of preparation to do. The more we plan the more we realize there is so much ahead of us and we don’t want to get the ‘cart ahead of the horse.’ With everything from getting counseling and spiritual guidance to the practical things like getting our family all in the same place at the same time, there is just a list of things we want to make sure we address in God’s timing. We would rather be prepared and blessed than anxious and uncovered by God’s grace and blessings.

And last we’ll address the question of ‘what can I do to help?’ First we ask all our friends and loved ones to keep us lifted up in prayer. We are so excited about what God is doing in us and through us and we want to be sure that we are being led by His Spirit and doing things His way. Please help keep us covered. Other than that we do ask that you understand if we request a reasonable amount of privacy. There are literally hundreds of people directly and thousands indirectly that we are privileged to be connected to regularly. We still have a lot of goals to meet and issues to address and it is very important for the success of our future to be able to work through these outside of the public prism.

Again, thank you all so much for everything! Your friendship, support and prayer are essential to our lives. We are more than blessed to have such a wonderful foundation of friends in the faith! From here forward we will do everything we can to stay personally connected to you and inform you of the all important details as they come. We love you and always believe the best for you and in you!

In Him,

Keri and Erik

P.S. To all my friends and family specifically.... Keep up with my blog to read more about who Erik is and the things we are thinking and talking about together!

Letting go

So I think there is a lot that can be said right now about letting go in life...

I am on my last day of visiting with my family in Arkansas. I am about to go back to Killeen and give my daughter over to her father for the summer. I have been thinking a lot about the past while I've been in Arkansas. I keep thinking about what it was like when Natalie was small, what it was like last year...

It all started when I had the idea that we should get out the old family home videos so that Natalie could see what her mommy and aunt were like when we were her age. Well, of course, Natalie would rather watch the videos of her when she was a baby. We put them on and in started a flashback to the past. Natalie's first visit with her family in the United States, her first birthday party, crawling, walking, eating, making baby noises... etc. All of it brought back so many memories that may have been forgotten forever if not for the magic of the home video camera. At first I was happy to see a video of me five years ago looking young, happy, and being a good mother, but then I started to feel depressed. I am sad that my life did not turn out in the traditional way. I'm sad that Natalie no longer has her dad and mom together. I wish that she could still have birthday parties with both sides of the family present. I wish that she was able to have siblings and have childhood memories that are similar to mine and my sister's. But she won't. She doesn't have her dad anymore and even if we were together my parents live in Arkansas now. She will never have both sides of the family in one place for her.

Things are so different from the way I always thought they would be. From the way I thought they would turn out when I was in those videos, holding my baby with that wedding ring on my finger. Its so hard for me to let go sometimes, to let go of the hopes and dreams I had for myself and my daughter. But I know I have to. I have no choice. My parents don't live in the house I grew up in anymore. They are hours away from the rest of the family. Natalie's dad does not live with us. Natalie only gets to see her dad twice a year. And in two days she will be going with him for the whole summer. In order to give my daughter an opportunity to be with her father I have to give up my time of being her mother. I hate that. I hate that I have to give my daughter up for such a long time. And yet, I know I'm blessed that I am not in Jake's position. I could not imagine only seeing Natalie twice a year. What a nightmare divorce is! I hate it so much!

I wish I had been smarter about everything. I wish I could change everything. But I can't. Its all part of the lessen of learning to let go. I can't control everything. Life happens and I have to learn to roll with it. I have to be ok with the fact that life did not happen for Natalie and me the way I had imagined when she was in the womb.

In a few days I will face Jake again and give Natalie over to him. I will go home with a smile forced upon my face because what other choice do I have? Crying will do nothing. Letting Natalie go is best for everyone and letting go of my old dreams is necessary in order to make new ones. I will never be married to Natalie's dad again, I will never be married to Michael and live in New Mexico. I dream now that one day I will be married to a man that loves me for all that I am and all that I'm not. That he will love me the way God intended and that despite all the hardships of life that he will never leave. I am dreaming of having more children that will know the love of a mom and dad that live in one house. This is all just a dream. Perhaps it will come true, perhaps it wont. But I have to let go and dream anew. Dreaming gives life to hope....

Super Cuts

I took Natalie to get her haircut today. I chose Super Cuts only because it is cheap and it was the first one I came across on the drive home. I really don't know where any other salon is due to the fact that I am so unobservant.

So we go in and I immediately notice that there are some pretty ratty looking people in there. I signed in and took a seat and started to observe the people. I love doing that! There was a grandmother with what must have been her grandson. He was about 10 and had long hair. Then there was a mom who I think was pregnant. She had her ten year old boy with her and had a ton of tatoos and a cami on. Her shirt was so low cut that her chest was sticking way out of her shirt. I had to look away because it seemed so offensive. And then she started in with talking to the hairsylists while they were working. How annoying. If you are waiting then you shouldn't talk to people that are busy with their customers. But she seemed like the type of person who wanted to run the show. Next was a near teenage mom and her mother. The mother had the baby in a stroller while the teenage mom was getting her hair done. The mother was complaining to the teenage mom and the hairstylist about how long it was taking. She was talking to the baby like a grown up telling him to stop crying and flinging toys at him. Another mother/daughter duo was a 50ish woman and her mother that looked about 50ish. I don't know if the mother looked younger than her age or if the daughter looked older than her age. But the daughter looked ridiculous with a tank top on that showed her cleavage, heavy makeup, and cropped pants that had pink hearts on them that looked like they were from the kids section. She was real spunky like she was still in her 20s and she had some attitude. I couldn't help but think that she must have been a 60s

child and I could almost picture what she would have looked like then. A man sat down next to me while we were waiting. I could hear him telling the lady on the other end that he was getting their sons haircut and then explained it would just be a trim, not a lot. I could faintly here what sounded like complaining on the other end. Then the guy got real mad, handed the phone to his kid and said, "you talk to her about your haircut, I'm done!" The kid talked awhile and then the man got the phone back and explained that his kid got sick at school with a fever today and he took him to the doctor. The doctor said that he was concerned about the sons weight and height that he wasn't growing and wanted to take him off the medicine for the summer and then reevaluate him in august to see if he would need the meds again. The people that worked at SuperCuts were also interesting characters with chin pearcings, tatoos, and all.

I couldn't help but notice that I spent the entire hour I was there judging these people, sizing them up, and imagining what their lives must be like. I hate to think that I was doing this because I think that I'm better than them. I don't want to think that. I know that I'm not. But it makes me wonder what people think about me when they take the time to sit and watch. What kind of signals do i give off to people? What have other people overheard me say? Its like I'm suddenly aware that I don't live in a glass bubble. I do have to represent myself everywhere I go. I wonder how people consider me...? Then again...I really don't think I want to know.

In the end Natalie got a cute haircut. Its a little past her shoulders and is cut in layers. It sits really nice now and she likes it too!

Good movie...Great weekend

I feel like I really had a great weekend and its not even over yet!

So on my last blog I talked about how I was looking forward to making new memories...I am off to a good start...

Had an awesome time last night when I had all my friends from school over to visit. I don't know that we are all "friends" yet, but I would love for that to happen. I truly love everyone that I am working with on third grade... ;-) (some of you know what my wink means!)

Today I got a chance to hang out with Marlena in the baby pool outside. Yep...I set up the baby pool for the girls to go swimming but instead they ran around outside and Marlena and I ended up in the pool. The more we talked the more we realized that we really do fit in with this "white trash" neighborhood. Sure, we make fun of them still, but in the end we are no different. So there we were sitting in our bathing suits which we covered with shorts chatting it up while the girls ran around. Neither one of us wanted to get off of our lazy behinds to help the girls out with anything. All that was missing to complete our look was some beers and ghetto music. We will save that for the next time....

I took Natalie to see the movie UP tonight. Wow, it was really powerful. Very touching. Reminded me again of my last blog. Life is all about the people that touch you and the people you touch. That was the message of the movie and the lesson I have learned over the past few years.

School is almost over!

Only a few days left of school. Thank God because I think I'm going to go crazy if I don't get a break soon. I love the job and I love the kids, but I am definately looking forward to summer time. Its always been my favorite time of year...I look forward to the exercise I will get and the things I will be able to do outside. I love being able to sleep in and staying up late reading a good book that I don't have to read except for pure enjoyment. Yeah...summer is the best! I guess that is why i became a teacher!
So tomorrow I am having a bunch of people over, and do you think I have done anything to prepare for that yet? Nope! Procrastination central is what I'm all about! Only bad thing is when you are a procrastinator you get real stressed out right before its time for the thing that you have been putting off. And tomorrow will be no exception for me. Having to rush to clean up and buy food and get things ready before 6 is probably going to be hectic. But so worth it too. I haven't had people over in a long time and I'm really looking forward to it. It will remind me of the days back in San Antonio when I actually had a good amount of friends that I would get together with.
Speaking of....
So when I went back to SA a few weeks ago I went into the house to check on it.
So weird....
Huge flood of emotions hit me as soon as I walked through that door. It was like every memory that I had of my former life was held inside those walls. Like the whole house was holding it in, keeping it safe for me to return to. When you lose something in your life and its gone...you have no tangible evidence anymore that it existed. After walking away from San Antonio there wasn't much left to remind me of life there. I almost prefered it that way. Being in Killeen is like a start over. But as soon as I turned the knob on the front door of that house and pushed the door open it was like a wave of memory hit me, as though I was experiencing a near death experience where my whole life was flashing before my eyes. I instantly flashed back to the very first time I turned that doorknob and stepped in that house. The excitement I felt of finding the perfect house for my family. Dreaming about what it would be like for the house to belong to me and Jake and Natalie. Wondering how long we would be able to stay and live in that place....Would I have more babies here? Would I start working here?
I can remember the exact spot I stood with Jake when we had just signed the papers and the house was officially ours. I remember the long embrace that was filled with joy and hope. This was going to be our place, this was going to be our chance to be happy and start a real life together. A "grown up" life with our first real place.
My eyes turned from that spot where he and I had stood to the fireplace. I sat down next to it remembering the heat that had eminated from that spot so many times in the past. The smell of the burning wood. The sounds and people that had surrounded it. The first time we lit that fire we didn't open the flu all the way and I could still picture and smell that smoke rising up into the center of the living room. Panic and shock on our faces as we called Jake's dad to find out what we did wrong. And the times after that when it was just Jake and I in those late night intimate moments that are shared in a marriage. When you have the fire crackling and are in each other's arms in the glow of the fire... sharing your deepest feelings and secrets. And the times when that fire was surrounded by Christmas decorations...the joy and promise of a blessed holiday season. The stockings hung on the mantle, the smell of the pine needles nearby.
I started to cry. I looked over at the dining room area, now sitting so empty, remembering the times when the room was filled with people and laughter. I pictured where the table would have been and remembered all the people around it. The times we had Jake's family over. I remembered the phase 10 games and dominoes... drinking and laughing...
And then there were all the girl night get togethers that I hosted. The pizza, snacks, and dessert layed out everywhere on the kitchen counters. The table surrounded by my closest and most loved friends. Playing games into the night, talking of God, praying together, and laughing... oh the laughter that used to fill that room! All of it was too much for me to take in at once. My heart was bursting with emotion as I imagined those walls soaking up all those memories. Keeping them hidden and safe knowing that once they had enclosed a group of people that loved each other. Now its standing empty...abandoned...lonely. It felt so sad being in there. Knowing that it had been standing empty for the past 6 months...that people have driven past it everyday without a glance in its direction. Its as though this place had never been loved or been filled with love. The walls looked dirtier than I remembered, the carpet had stains, and the house felt so small. Its funny how much different things look when you see them everyday.
I took a tour of the house. Stopped in each room and let the memories flood through me. I looked at the marks on the carpet that showed where all our furniture had been. It seemed like those marks were like scars. Kind of like the scars on my heart. Scars of things that were and are no more. Promises broken...Lives changed. I sat in the house alone for a long time. I looked again at that spot where Jake and I stood the day the house became ours. I remembered that it was in that same exact spot that we stood the day he said goodbye. The day he took all his things, hugged me tight, embraced Natalie, and walked out the door. I remember looking out my kitchen window at him sitting in his truck after that goodbye. Looking at our house and bawling his eyes out. And then he was gone.
I sat there and i prayed. I talked out loud to God about all my feelings that have been buried in my heart. Let my emotions pour out. I talked about Jake, the house, and then about Michael. How he had come into my life and brought so much happiness. I looked at the crack in the wall that he had patched for me and noticed that the crack was beginning to reappear again. Just like the band-aid Michael put over my heart...my wounds were exposed again when he left my life.
And I became very aware in this moment that I am alone. I am alone in this life, in my quest for happiness and family. The house stands alone, but so do I.
And then I became aware that this house doesn't need patching up. It just needs to be filled again. Filled with laughter, love, warmth, lovely smells of firewood, christmas trees, and homemade cookies... And that is what I need to. I don't need fixing. I just need to be filled up again. Filled with the Holy Sprit which will in turn fill me with love, hope, joy, peace....The kind that surpasses all understanding. The kind that swells a heart and makes it feel again. The walls of that house hold those memories and the walls of my heart do the same. My past will always be with me...but I will fill my life again and make new memories.
Tomorrow is a start. I am going to be filling this house with food, people, music, and laughter. I'm excited about tomorrow...both metaphorically and literally.
Life is heartbreaking and exciting. The good and the bad make life worth living...