Letting go

So I think there is a lot that can be said right now about letting go in life...

I am on my last day of visiting with my family in Arkansas. I am about to go back to Killeen and give my daughter over to her father for the summer. I have been thinking a lot about the past while I've been in Arkansas. I keep thinking about what it was like when Natalie was small, what it was like last year...

It all started when I had the idea that we should get out the old family home videos so that Natalie could see what her mommy and aunt were like when we were her age. Well, of course, Natalie would rather watch the videos of her when she was a baby. We put them on and in started a flashback to the past. Natalie's first visit with her family in the United States, her first birthday party, crawling, walking, eating, making baby noises... etc. All of it brought back so many memories that may have been forgotten forever if not for the magic of the home video camera. At first I was happy to see a video of me five years ago looking young, happy, and being a good mother, but then I started to feel depressed. I am sad that my life did not turn out in the traditional way. I'm sad that Natalie no longer has her dad and mom together. I wish that she could still have birthday parties with both sides of the family present. I wish that she was able to have siblings and have childhood memories that are similar to mine and my sister's. But she won't. She doesn't have her dad anymore and even if we were together my parents live in Arkansas now. She will never have both sides of the family in one place for her.

Things are so different from the way I always thought they would be. From the way I thought they would turn out when I was in those videos, holding my baby with that wedding ring on my finger. Its so hard for me to let go sometimes, to let go of the hopes and dreams I had for myself and my daughter. But I know I have to. I have no choice. My parents don't live in the house I grew up in anymore. They are hours away from the rest of the family. Natalie's dad does not live with us. Natalie only gets to see her dad twice a year. And in two days she will be going with him for the whole summer. In order to give my daughter an opportunity to be with her father I have to give up my time of being her mother. I hate that. I hate that I have to give my daughter up for such a long time. And yet, I know I'm blessed that I am not in Jake's position. I could not imagine only seeing Natalie twice a year. What a nightmare divorce is! I hate it so much!

I wish I had been smarter about everything. I wish I could change everything. But I can't. Its all part of the lessen of learning to let go. I can't control everything. Life happens and I have to learn to roll with it. I have to be ok with the fact that life did not happen for Natalie and me the way I had imagined when she was in the womb.

In a few days I will face Jake again and give Natalie over to him. I will go home with a smile forced upon my face because what other choice do I have? Crying will do nothing. Letting Natalie go is best for everyone and letting go of my old dreams is necessary in order to make new ones. I will never be married to Natalie's dad again, I will never be married to Michael and live in New Mexico. I dream now that one day I will be married to a man that loves me for all that I am and all that I'm not. That he will love me the way God intended and that despite all the hardships of life that he will never leave. I am dreaming of having more children that will know the love of a mom and dad that live in one house. This is all just a dream. Perhaps it will come true, perhaps it wont. But I have to let go and dream anew. Dreaming gives life to hope....

Super Cuts

I took Natalie to get her haircut today. I chose Super Cuts only because it is cheap and it was the first one I came across on the drive home. I really don't know where any other salon is due to the fact that I am so unobservant.

So we go in and I immediately notice that there are some pretty ratty looking people in there. I signed in and took a seat and started to observe the people. I love doing that! There was a grandmother with what must have been her grandson. He was about 10 and had long hair. Then there was a mom who I think was pregnant. She had her ten year old boy with her and had a ton of tatoos and a cami on. Her shirt was so low cut that her chest was sticking way out of her shirt. I had to look away because it seemed so offensive. And then she started in with talking to the hairsylists while they were working. How annoying. If you are waiting then you shouldn't talk to people that are busy with their customers. But she seemed like the type of person who wanted to run the show. Next was a near teenage mom and her mother. The mother had the baby in a stroller while the teenage mom was getting her hair done. The mother was complaining to the teenage mom and the hairstylist about how long it was taking. She was talking to the baby like a grown up telling him to stop crying and flinging toys at him. Another mother/daughter duo was a 50ish woman and her mother that looked about 50ish. I don't know if the mother looked younger than her age or if the daughter looked older than her age. But the daughter looked ridiculous with a tank top on that showed her cleavage, heavy makeup, and cropped pants that had pink hearts on them that looked like they were from the kids section. She was real spunky like she was still in her 20s and she had some attitude. I couldn't help but think that she must have been a 60s

child and I could almost picture what she would have looked like then. A man sat down next to me while we were waiting. I could hear him telling the lady on the other end that he was getting their sons haircut and then explained it would just be a trim, not a lot. I could faintly here what sounded like complaining on the other end. Then the guy got real mad, handed the phone to his kid and said, "you talk to her about your haircut, I'm done!" The kid talked awhile and then the man got the phone back and explained that his kid got sick at school with a fever today and he took him to the doctor. The doctor said that he was concerned about the sons weight and height that he wasn't growing and wanted to take him off the medicine for the summer and then reevaluate him in august to see if he would need the meds again. The people that worked at SuperCuts were also interesting characters with chin pearcings, tatoos, and all.

I couldn't help but notice that I spent the entire hour I was there judging these people, sizing them up, and imagining what their lives must be like. I hate to think that I was doing this because I think that I'm better than them. I don't want to think that. I know that I'm not. But it makes me wonder what people think about me when they take the time to sit and watch. What kind of signals do i give off to people? What have other people overheard me say? Its like I'm suddenly aware that I don't live in a glass bubble. I do have to represent myself everywhere I go. I wonder how people consider me...? Then again...I really don't think I want to know.

In the end Natalie got a cute haircut. Its a little past her shoulders and is cut in layers. It sits really nice now and she likes it too!